Ah, the end of the school year. As the number of AP tests taken decreases and the number of movies watched in class increases, excitement among the student body builds in anticipation of the ultimate goal: freedom. Freedom, however, comes at a hefty price. That price? Summer assignments. Dreaded books to read,essays to write, and worksheets to do. I have discovered many students don’t even know where to begin when they get their assignments. But fear not, for I, Carey Cameron, licensed student guru, have the best tips to ensure that a summer assignment doesn’t ruin your summer.

Tip #1: Procrastination Nation

Who the heck wants to do a summer assignment right when they get it? Or who even wants to spread it out over the course of a few weeks to lighten the load? Not me. Procrastinating is the only way to get your summer work done. My tip is to wait until the night before school starts at approximately 11:00 to start that book/essay combination you were worried about. Make sure that the day before you drink a lot of coffee, down a lot of Pixy Stix, then buckle up buttercup, because it’s going to be a long night.

Tip #2: Act like you’re doing your work

As tip number one states, procrastination is key. But that doesn’t mean you can still trick your friends and family into believing you are putting in a good faith effort. One way to do this is to bring your assigned book everywhere, but not actually read it. Just stick it in your bag and pull it out at random times to make it look like you are a reasonably intelligent person, reading their book. Instead of “actually reading” your book though, just cut a hole out in the middle of the book and stick your phone in there. No one will know the difference between you yelling because Rudy dies in The Book Thief and you yelling at Fortnite. Plus your parents will finally be proud of you for once in your life. Good job.

Tip #3: Cry

Now that you have just wasted a good three months doing absolutely squat, it’s time to grind. The best way to do that is to waste even more time crying. Just let it out. All the stress of only having an hour to do a summer assignment just builds up. Crying releases stress but also may make you realize you should have done this a little earlier. Just make sure you get all the tear stains out of your paper before you hand it in.

Tip #4: Run away from your problems

If none of the above tips work for you and you are feeling particularly desperate, there is a way out. My last guru tip is to run away! Take a bus to Portland, Oregon and join an indie alt-rock band with a musician named Chad, who looks like an off-brand version of Timothee Chalamet if Timothee Chalamet had a goatee and played the bass guitar. Then call your mother and angrily tell her, “It’s not a phase mom! You don’t understand my art!”. Save up enough money from band gigs and waitressing to flee across the border to Canada where you can really dig your heels into the burgeoning lo-fi music scene over there. Hopefully, this will put you in contact with Canadian musician/national treasure, Grimes. She can then connect you to her boyfriend, entrepreneur and guy who thinks we live in the Matrix, Elon Musk. He can then give you a Tesla (because he really likes Chad’s music) which you then drive back home to Severna Park. Give your teacher the Tesla and a record of Chad’s music, he thinks digital is too mainstream, and bingo bango bongo, you will not have to do your summer assignment.

I leave you, young padawans, my final words of wisdom:

Summer assignments are not hard if you do not do them.

Have a great summer!

This procrastination chart was made to show the effects of procrastination. It clearly shows procrastination as helpful to your assignment. It is also measured in Careys which is my own personal unit of measurement that shows how much I like something. For example, the movie-musical Mamma Mia! is currently at 54 Careys.

Chart courtesy of Carey Cameron.